suprisingly, "it" still not all about me

It occurred to me last night that my life is much richer now that I spend less of it obsessively trolling the internet for Things to Do (that I won't ever actually do).

So, naturally, I spent this morning obsessively trolling the internet for opportunities to be Of Service, sending out resumes to volunteer for one place after another and fretting over the impossibility of signing up for New York Cares projects because of the baby, and generally making myself feel stressed out and inadequate and desirous of every piece of bread ever toasted and peanut-buttered.

And then I picked up Dynamics of Faith and reread the first section, Faith as Ultimate Concern, and I understood it. I think.

This is huge! My post was originally going to be titled, Paul Tillich: WTF?, as I read well into Dynamics of Faith on the train yesterday without understanding any of it, as evidenced by the compulsive and acquisitive spirit with which I approached my efforts to Advance God's Kingdom today.

I didn't need Tillich to teach me that God's not the means to some end in which Amanda saves all the children aging out of foster care, the cancelled after school programs, the young girls at risk of female genital mutilation. Obviously, though, I did need a reminder that faith is not a checklist of things I think God would want me to do. It's the practice of seeking God first, of looking to Him for direction as to how I should live my life, as it is, today – of asking not who can I bring into my life to serve? so much as, what can I do to serve the people already around me?

As much as I want to help other people, my husband and son are right here in my own house with me. I need a balance of seeking out those who might need me and living out my faith with respect to those who already do.

And I need to remember that service is not the object of my ultimate concern, of my faith; God is. I serve at His direction, because I believe in Him. To do otherwise is to indulge the belief that what I have to offer others is intrinsic to myself, rather than something that has been given to me.

To set out to self-consciously Serve Others is to end up frustrated, spinning my wheels; to seek God is to end up doing His will. That – not my idea of how the world should be -- is the object of my ultimate concern. God is the focus of my faith and the source of that faith, superseding everything, even my image of myself as a servant -- so that my satisfaction comes from Him, not from reflecting on all the Good I've done this weekend.