queen of the harpies, pt 1

I'm really not a good wife -- at least, not lately. And I want to focus on my struggles to be a good wife without turning this post into a liturgy of the complaints that comprise my primary wife-failing, which is: I am so freaking judgmental towards my husband.

As it turns out, there are reasons why couples often do pre-marital counseling. When two people feel radically differently about fundamental questions like, What is the purpose of our lives? and What do we want our family life to look like?, it is extremely difficult to have unmediated conversations about these issues, or about the more everyday and concrete conflicts they generate. Mostly, conversations about these things start out innocuously but end up with one or both spouses (definitely me, if I'm part of the couple in question) reiterating the belief that his or her worldview and value system is better that his or her spouse's.

Well, who wouldn't want to be part of that conversation? And yet, I'm repeatedly disappointed and frustrated that my husband never seems to want to Talk about our Marriage.

Add to this the fact that apparently, I am called to obey and submit to my husband, but that the things he wants us to do often conflict with my understanding of what God wants me to do, as well as with my best judgment and my desire to provide for our kid(s). I tend to overestimate my ability to distinguish between legitimate non-negotiables, such as the amount of debt I'm willing to take on to go back to school, and areas where I may just want my way. I imagine it should be of concern that I don't recall the last time I felt like God was telling me my husband was right about one of our disagreements.

So, for this week, I am not initiating any discussions about my husband's choices or behavior, or about our relationship or family and what I think we need to do. I'm unsure about the gender politics that Paul's endorsing in Corinthians, but I do feel reasonably sure that I, specifically, don't actually need any practice telling my husband all the ways he could be doing things better. I suspect that I could use a lot of practice evaluating my own behavior within the context of our marriage, and then exploring the degree to which I can make things better for both of us by changing that behavior.