eff that noise, #3

3. "I feel bad because":

I am so fat.
I don't care about x,y,z.
I want x.
I don't want to x.
I failed to y.
I can't seem to z.
I am so fat.
My eyebrows.
And also: fat.
I should [x].
and then should [y].
But instead I just seem to [z].


I feel bad because:

if I had [x/y/z] then this person might not have [x/y/z]'d.
if I had been less angry!
if I had asked for less!
if I had done more!
if I had looked better!
if I weren't so goddamn fat!


I feel bad because:

I'm too old to [x].
I'm too young to [x].
I'm too fucking fat to [x].
I'm white.
I'm educated.
I'm privileged.
I'm not educated enough, make too little, owe too much, can't afford Uggs but could afford college (kind of), won't buy the right phone, don't think anyone else needs the right phone, either. Don't know enough about music, literature, what's in the New York Times. Don't understand Twitter, don't understand googledocs, don't understand Google+, don't understand OK Cupid.

But -- in some small, lethargic, not-even-remotely-ready-for-Monday-morning part of my inner world -- I also feel solid, and healthy, and good.

Because I am alive, my sometimes-close-to-unmanageable drive to self-destruct notwithstanding.

Because fully eighty five percent of the things I tell myself I should do are arbitrary, and the other fifteen percent are optional.

Because "too fat" is not actually a thing.

Because I'm not going down that easily, not this week.