Genesis 15, or, It's not about you/Abram

Sometimes reading Abram is kind of suck. There are the parts in which he doubts God, sure -- parts where he is all headstrong and passing his wife off as his sister and thinking he knows best. But Abram has this faith, this closeness with God, and I don't know how to get that. I imagine it is a long process; at this point in Genesis, I think, he's probably over a hundred, since in the next chapter he forces the issue of kids with the Sarai and Hagar debacle.

But really. He's there, going into trances, ready to offer up his son, and I don't have the faith to let go of my pride and be a good wife and stop saying snotty things to my husband's Man Friends.

Still, it strikes me that, when God comes to Abram, he starts out with, "Do not be afraid," suggesting that Abram was not in the most faithful place at that moment. And what is it that Abram is he afraid of?

He could be freaked out by God showing up and talking to him -- but it seems like God is addressing a fear that was plaguing Abram before He, God, showed up, a fear that motivated Him to come talk to Abram in the first place, a fear a lot like my own: that he, Abram, doesn't matter, isn't doing what he was meant to do. That something is wrong. I mean, here God shows up promising a "very great reward," promising, in so many words, that Abram really does matter -- like, a lot -- and Abram goes flat-out emo on God: "What canst thou give me?" (15:3). What difference does it make? Everything dies with me; nothing means anything. I am useless, a joke, a failure. And the implication, fleshed out when he continues: You made me this way.

So God shows Abram something, takes him out and shows him the stars -- for the sake of His analogy, yes, but also, I think, as a reminder: I am in charge, and however low your expectations of yourself, however you think you've failed, I didn't come here to talk about you. This isn't about you; it's about what I am going to do for you. It's about what I will make you. You don't have the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself, or buying into the people who think you don't matter, because I am here, telling you that you do, and you will, because I will make it so.

And that's what triggers Abram's the act of "righteousness" -- and I love this wording, in 16:6, because Abram's faith is not righteousness, but God counts it as as righteousness. When God takes over our lives, He also takes responsibility for the results -- good or bad. If our faith is in Him, then we are not in a position to evaluate our lives -- whether we are MDs, housewives, social workers, janitors, homeless. What counts is our faith, the results of which reflect on God, not us (not me).

So there is no reason to be afraid of not measuring up -- only a reason to continually, daily, hour, place our faith in God so it can keep being about Him, and what He will do with us, and this perfect love, driving out that gnawing, unanswerable fear that we are not enough, that we are without standing.