So, immediately after I got done worrying about school, I was devastated. I was too busy to think about God for, like, three weeks or something, and He seems to have taken off, or shut up, or something. And all the places in which I could find Him before seem empty now -- or, honestly, they seem full of voices and ideas that make me feel sick and angry.
I believe that at some point, I'll be able to pick up a Bible or walk into a church again and feel something other than frustrated and lost.
But right now, those things don't mean anything to me. I don't know yet how to make sense of God if evolution is a fact; if I might never see my grandfather again, the way I imagined; if God isn't actually a way to impose my own sense of order on a world that is often frightening and incoherent. If God is real and still I have to do all this work to decide what matters and what is right and what to do with my life -- I wasn't prepared for that.
God is real, and we still don't know exactly how the world started, or what happens next.
God is real, and still, I'm going to lose the people I love, and I don't know when, or how, I'll see them again.
God is real, and everyone seems to think different things about God, and some of those things are awful and repellent.
God is real, and the people who talk about God most seem to me to be devoid of love.
God is real, and right now, the book in which I was taught I could find Him in seems incomplete and suspicious.
So where do I find God now? I mean, right now I'm looking
Here.
and
Here.
also
Here.
And I'm feeling all right. Like the things I had thought God was are actually much smaller than the things God actually is. Like I have a free pass to not try to force God into something small and comprehensible; like He's got better things for me to do than try so fucking hard all the time.
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